Improve Feedback by Asking for Permission First
A simple, yet powerful leadership communication tool
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Let’s talk about a seemingly minor yet game-changing tactic: asking for permission before doling out your perspective.
It turns out this small courtesy might just be your secret weapon in the uphill battle to ensure your feedback actually resonates with your employees, peers, and boss.
Why Bother Asking?
Fair question!
Think of it as a gentle knock on the door of their psyche rather than barging in. Asking for permission does more than just show respect. It prepares the receiver mentally and emotionally, making them more receptive to your insights. It's not just about what you say but how you position your intent to ensure it is constructive and supportive.
This was a significant blind spot for me in both my professional and personal relationships. I found that prefacing feedback chats with my intentions first cut through the immediate defensiveness and anxiety the intended recipient might be feeling.
The times when I've skipped asking for permission have usually been disastrous or made for very challenging interactions, let alone achieve feedback retention.
How to 'Ask for Permission' to Coach by Relationship
Feedback to an Employee: Start with a gentle nudge
Approach: When you're the boss, it's tempting to think your golden nuggets of feedback are eagerly awaited. Sorry, not so much!
When addressing someone you supervise, start with, "Do you have a moment for feedback on [specific task/project]?" or "Mind if I give you some pointers on [specific thing]?"
Benefit: This approach respects their time and signals that you intend to help, not. Once permission is granted, frame your feedback with specific examples and end with a question, such as, "What are your thoughts on this?" to encourage a two-way conversation.
Feedback to a Peer: Lead with a collaborative approach
Approach: Feedback among peers/colleagues can be tricky. Maintaining a cooperative relationship requires a delicate balance. We're all sensitive here!
Try framing it as a mutual learning opportunity: "I've noticed something in our project that I think we could improve together. Can I share my observations with you?"
Benefit: This invites collaboration rather than confrontation. Trust me, this works across the board when collaborating with all types of peers and is especially effective with peers with big egos and insecurities.
Feedback to a Superior: Express Commitment and Respect First—Then Ask Permission
Yep, even leaders need feedback! I always encourage direct reports to coach up. Coaching opportunities should go both ways (Top-Down, Bottom-Up, and Side-to-Side). Nevertheless, it's essential to approach this delicately by expressing your (genuine) respect for their expertise and your intention to contribute positively. Bosses have egos and insecurities, too!
Approach: A good start could be, "I have some observations about [topic] that I think could help us achieve our goals more effectively. Would you be open to discussing them?"
This shows your initiative and commitment to the team's success, wrapped in a veil of humility.
Benefit: One of the benefits of coaching up is that it also positions you as an emerging leader in the organization who has the emotional intelligence to initiate typically intimidating conversations. Coaching in any direction will be a skill you will utilize frequently throughout your career as a leader of people.
Just Normalize Professional Courtesy
Normalize the courtesy of asking for permission to offer feedback. Imagine that! When it becomes a regular practice, it shifts the perception of feedback from a dreaded drill to an accepted—and even appreciated—interaction. Asking for permission becomes a sign of professional courtesy and a hallmark of effective leadership.
Blind Spot Mitigation
Next time you're emotionally loaded up to offer feedback, lead with a permission question (e.g., "May I…?" "Would you mind…?" "Can I have a minute to share?") and notice how it changes the dynamic of the conversation.
You might notice that this simple question not only disarms your recipient, but they're also more readily receptive to your feedback and likely to act on it.
Now, may I ask for your feedback?
Have you tried asking for permission before giving feedback?
If so, what changes did you notice in the response?
If not, why not?
Share your experiences in the comments below, and let's learn from each other's blind spots!
Thank you for reading!
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